Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
