I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
organizing the empties. That sober.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
