Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
