And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
