Welp...herpes.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
