I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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