We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
sex in a hospital.. check
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
