I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
