Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
