he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just forgot I was standing up.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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