I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
