Swine flu is the new snow day.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i think im in europe. pls send help
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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