I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
where are my pants?
in the oven.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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