Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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