I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
