I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
