Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
