I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Someone signed my nipple.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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