I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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