So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
