He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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