how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
