Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
