I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
