End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
