All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I've blown a few things in my day
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
