i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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