I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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