She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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