I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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