My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
