When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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