I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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