What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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