I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
