Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
