You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
