he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
