Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Randomize
