I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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