I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
