i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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