batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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