Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I am one with the molecules
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
