Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
