You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
