i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
smell my finger.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
