Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't deserve a penis
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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