but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
it was like having sex with a tree stump
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
