When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I AM VODKA MAN
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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